My Darling Curse

venting family bullshit

2008-06-25T11:54:05Z

ok, since i can't talk about this on my real blog i'm venting here...my hubbin's older brother reads mydarlingcurse.com and has had the nerve to tell my hubbin to tell me that i'm being too harsh on his family. to which i declare "shenanigans". have the balls to tell me yourself. secondly, tough shit. it's a blog - it's what they are for.

anyhoot...

this past weekend we went to a family reunion on hubbin's side. it was his Dad's dad's family - so great aunts and uncles and their kids, and their kids' kids, etc. and really there is no need for that. what eighty year old are you going to connect with once a year? how much pasta salad can one family bring? it's not worth it to me. however, this year many of hubbin's out of town family, direct aunts and cousins and shit were coming into town for it, so we went. and many of hubbin's cousins on that side have had kids in the last year, so we thought that it was going to be fun for our kids too.

but here's the thing, the one cousin our daughter, aka the boo, wants to play with is a bad influence. AND it's hubbin's sister's kid, my sister-in-law (aka the SIL),, the boo's cousin, zeno. now, it's not zeno's fault that he is not parented well. that's not his fault at all. but when i see the SIL talking to some random cousin and not even pause while she watches, literally, watches her toddler take off and watches while her mom (yep, you guessed in the MIL) wrangle the little dude in, that's just not fair. the MIL has been the main care-giver for this one anyway, but still don't treat your Mom like a nanny.

there was no telling "No!" when little zeno put his grubby little fingers in the pasta salad since he just reaches up on tables. there was no "thank you" when hubbin took zeno to the park with boo and kept and eye on him. she would never offer to do that for boo, her time is too important. and it bothered me that everytime zeno took off, boo had half a mind to chase after him, and one time she did and it caused me panic. i hate when i can't see or hear her. and we were at some park up north, a place i had never been too before. and there are random cousins that i don't know. there was a lake down the hill and cars everywhere. not that i'm paranoid, but i want my daughter to be safe and she's too little to know how to do that for herself, so that's my job as a parent. it will always be my job, but that's what i signed on for. and to see bad parenting so close to home, it's so bothersome!

obviously, i have a big problem with the SIL. it's been going on for about a year and it really bothers me when people willingly play the victim then bitch about how it didn't work out the way they thought. and then to have other sibs say "oh, she's overwhelmed, she needs a break!" i call bullshit. she has goddamn live-in help! need a break from what? not parenting? the MIL has been taking care of zeno from day one! i've seen the kid bypass his own parents to get to grandma and actions speak louder than words. kids can smell a phony.

ok, i'm done.

for now.

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QotD: Life is Short

2008-06-06T01:57:04Z

If you had to write your autobiography in 6 words, what would you write?
Submitted by mitzie.

Always seemed to make people laugh.

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even 143 words i cannot do...

2008-06-01T19:31:09Z

yeah, so i was totally kidding myself to think that i'd have time to write a measly 143 words a day. sometimes i don't even speak that much.

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143 words, day two

2008-05-28T20:14:59Z

this was written a few days ago, just not posted...

A jolt of anxiety hit her and she gripped the steering wheel. This day was happening. It made her a little sick, she took a long drag. As much as she wanted to grow-up and fly away, she wanted things easy, simple and the same. Looking out through the windshield she became aware of finally understanding the word ‘dappled’. The cool morning breeze was rustling the trees and shrubs in front of her car, she watched them sway and dip through the morning sunlight. She remembered a book as a young girl, about a duck looking for a golden egg. The duck finds eggs in the color of the rainbow, but not a golden egg. Not until the end of the book, when the golden egg the duck finally finds is made of chocolate. And then, the words came tumbling back to her.

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a new writing venture

2008-05-23T04:47:44Z

I'm taking a tip from two writer friends of mine, well, one of them is a friend..... In a haphazard way I found out that the cute ex-writing teacher only writes 143 words a day (allegedly). He writes 143 words on a story a day, probably every day. Wow, doesn't seem like that much, but you never know. So I decided to give it a try. I'm going to write a story, 143 words at a time. Here we go:

Paige coasted the car into her assigned spot in the Senior parking lot. The spot faced the woods at the far corner of the school’s campus. After muscling the car into Park, she turned off the engine and listened to the ticking of the car cooling off. This day was a time bomb, the sound only made it more visceral. She pulled a crushed pack of cigarettes from her bag. Slowly she slid a smoke from the pack and gently straightened it. She punched the car lighter and stared straight ahead.

The window was open half way. A breeze kicked up and made her left eye water. She flicked ash into her resident Diet Mountian Dew can and wiped her eye with the back of her cigarette hand. She stole a quick glance at the term paper next to her on the seat.

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the second coming - maybe

2007-06-27T04:15:41Z

so, it's offical. we are trying for another baby. i've been having these "tentative" doctor appointments lately. because i'm over that magical medical age of 35, there are a few more - not guidelines, not restrictions, i'm not sure what the word is. but what it means for me is basically, i have lose and maintain the loss of at least one pound.

after that magical medical age of 35, in order for the clinic to maintain it's success and it's numbers, women undergoing fertility treatments need to mean a certian weight requirement. when we started meeting with our doctor to discuss IVF again, my weight was an issue. seriously, i was one pound over. they said absolutely not, you can't start, we can't treat you - lose the weight and we'll talk. they gave me two weeks to lose a pound. i lost four, but it was genuinely stressful because you can't just lose and keep off one pound. most humans lose and gain at least a pound through the course of a day. so you have to lose like three or four pounds and keep it off, to lose that one pound. seems pretty fucking ridiculous to me.

so the first weigh-in, i don't make it and they tell me to come back in two weeks. i come back in two weeks, and i was ounces shy. they started me anyway, but i got a call from my doctor basically telling me that instead of trying to get and keep off this one pound, why don't i take three months and lose 20 pounds. actually, she says, i'd like to see you under xxx lbs (which would be a loss of about 50 pounds for me). fifty pounds in three months is probably doable, but i'm not waiting that long.

thankfully, i've been on the pill for a few months, so i didn't need to start that. all i needed to do was take an extra week and start one of the drugs ( a SubQ shot in the AM). they didn't want me to start on the drug until i was under the "goal" weight. since i was ounces away, the let me start, but i had to come in and get weighed again. that's when i lost the four pounds and got the green light.

BUT - i have to keep it off. so on day 10 of this med (today), i had to go in again and get weighed and make sure that i'm keeping it off, before i start the actual stimulation meds on friday. and i did it.

when i went in for the sinus infection last friday, i had gained weight (according to their scale). then i spent the weekend eating burgers and chips and drinking wine poolside. sunday night i made a poundcake dessert with marscapone cheese. not exactly atkins here. wine counts as a fruit though right? because i'm definately having my three to five servings a day.

what all this means is that in 15-20 days, we'll be doing the retrieval and transfer. but between now and then, i have to do three shots a day, take oral medication, have blood tests done, have ultrasounds, etc. and i'm not even questioning if i can do it, or if i should do it. i have done it. it worked. i have no doubt on whether or not i should. i guess what's missing in all of this is sharing it with my mom. that's what chokes me up. well, that and continuing to lose weight - which in it's own way is harder that giving birth. i mean, giving birth is going to happen - losing weight, that's a choice.

hubbin was with me today at the appointment, we knew that if i didn't make the weigh-in today, that things absolutely would not happen this time (this month). and i continued to weep tears of gratitude, he held me close and told me he was proud of me. the first person who i wanted to call when i got in the car was my mom.

and guess what, i left that appointment to pick up my dad and annie oakley to drive them to the airport. they are going to phoenix to see the PBR this weekend. and dad knew what was going on, and he really want me to continue to "get healthier" as he puts it. but annie oakley broke me heart - she was so interested in what the process was, and how proud she was that i could do these shots, and how great boo is, and she almost choked up at the thought of a surrogate grand-baby.

it kills me, it absolutely kills me that she will probably be at the hospital with my dad at the birth of my next child. it should be my mom. by all rights and purposes, my mom should still be here. and i told her that as my heart broke, and i sobbed so hard my throat hurt on the home from droping them off at the airport.

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QotD: My Current Top 10

2007-06-13T23:24:28Z

What are your top 10 most-played songs currently?
in order of most played....

look on down from the bridge - mazzy star
is jesus your pal? - gus gus
i'm not gonna cal you - the films
fall at your feet - magnet
what happens tomorrow - duran duran
space capitan - the black crowes
fidelity - regina spektor
tango ballad - ute lemper
modesto is not that sweet - the hold steady
anything from the bookclub bitches

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The Enterprise Guys

2007-06-13T16:24:07Z

(inspired by last night's poetry slam)

PBR no longer stands for Pabst Blue Ribbon

no no no no no

PBR stands for Professional Bull Riding. it's the next best thing to the Tour de France.

the toughest eight seconds in sports, my dad says. he's doing his dammedest to grow the PBR fan base, personally, from the living room.

yep, the PBR!

a new generation of cowboys is stepping up, strapping on and flying high

two ton bulls six feet off the ground with such fury my pulse stops

can he do it?

one - the gate flys open and a cowboy named Tater's hand shoots in the air

two - the bull is air born contorting unnaturaly for an animal so big

three - the bull hits the ground dips his head and bucks

four - Tater dips a little to the side, his hand lowering to maintain balance

five - Tater straightens out and the bull is spinning like a top

six - the bulls' back legs try to detach themselves from its body

seven - Tater corrects and maintains

eight - the buzzer sounds and in a motion so practiced and fluid the bull rope loosens....

Tater flys off and face plants into the rodeo dirt, losing his hat. the bull charges, still spinning and bucking and two of the bravest son of bitches i've ever seen distract the bull, pull it's horns, charge it and race it back to the pen.

Tater gets up, dusts himself off, and finds his hat and then throws it.

see, the cowboy gets the applause.

"grab some sour cream, cuz there's a hot Tater here tonight" the announcer says.

and these poor guys in Enterprise rental car vests and clown make up await the next beast that's going to come at them full speed with an idiot on top.

the next bull is called "raindeer dippin", he's bucked off twenty-three straight, and attacked his owner, everyone and Satan's mother is scared shitless of this bull. my dad's been talking about him for weeks.

one - the gate opens

two - people wonder if there was ever a cowboy on top of this bull, because if there was, he's now gone.

raindeer dippin visably snorts and lowers his four foot wide head,

the Enterprise guys are yelling and signaling to each other

the cowboy is safe, high on the gate

raindeer dippin takes stock and then peacefully trots into the pen

and the weight of the world lifts from the Enterprise guys who take a breath before the gate opens again.

"don'tcha just love it?" my dad says.

i'm too stunned to answer, not even a minute has passed.

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QotD: That's Just Cruel

2007-06-12T03:25:43Z

What's the weirdest baby name you've ever heard (or considered)?

i know this sounds made up, but psycho jen's mom was a nurse for a while and had a paitent name her daughter "placenta jane".

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finally, a cause for celebration

2007-05-23T21:17:43Z

this isn't going to make sense now, but soon it will....

in order to do IVF, you have to get dated. that's when they count forward from days 1-3 of your period to the date you become pregnant. all the testing and drugs take place somewhere between the two.

in order to get dated, certian things need to happen, tests, meetings, finances, etc. in my case, it was weight-loss. being that the last time i did all this, i was under the magical age of 35. now, over 35 - there are weight standards our clinic empoyes for their protection, as well as the patients. i was a wee bit over, three pounds over.

and after being on the pill for two months, i was worried that i wasn't going to make it. so last weekend i bought a scale, to start mesasuring myself. and when i got on it today, it showed me a good five pounds over what the doctors office had. needless to say, i am going with the doctors office scale.

so there it is, we should be getting a phone call now to get things moving, the tests, meeting and finances. and i have to take a shot giving class. back in the old days, it was all sub-q and you just pinched your skin, held the hypo like a dart and counted to three. now it's all automated - with an epi-pen. seven year olds use an epi-pen, so i'm not sure what all will be covered in the 45 minute class.

we'll see. but look out baby two - here we come.

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